It truly is rather nightmarish.
The way this Neolithic evil clown came plodding towards me in an expensive business suit,
dragging a foot in the last century,
and gnashing his teeth like a homophobic bully troll.
He wasn’t really a threat. And I was not yet scared.
As he got closer and closer, he got uglier and uglier.
I could see there was a list in his tiny hand.
My name wasn’t on the list. (But it was no consolation.)
Still this knuckle dragging monster came persistently towards me,
single minded and unhinged.
He said he could save me.
I looked away.
I do not enjoy the taste of bile.
He was slow, I could stay out of his path.
He was too much a caricature to be really afraid of.
His weird mouth and fake hair
like a cliché Disney Monster with a hunch back and crooked nose.
It made me made me point and laugh (this nightmare is just silly!)
Yet onward he came… unstoppingly
inching ever closer to me,
saying under his hateful breath,
“I’m comin for ya, I’m comin for ya.”
Months upon months upon months (a recurring nightmare,)
“I’m comin for ya, I’m comin for ya”
In my nightmare he whispered that he would take away my heathen neighbors, and my Mexican judges, (what the fuck are you talking about?) and beat my uppity blacks,
and I laughed.
I am American. You are no threat to me! (the illusion of safety)
A buffoon, not a monster.
He had a bullseye on me – “Comin for ya, comin for ya.”
He said he’d grab my pussy, imprison me inside a wall.
I tried to ignore him.
He got so close I could hear his knuckles scrapping the pavement of modern America.
I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
I looked away (desperately) and waited (prayed) for daylight.
Months upon months of unending pursuit and veiled threats.
I still felt blindsided when he landed on me.
Like 270 steampunk spiders found me sleeping in my own cozy web.
Like I was innocently crossing a street and a semi truck filled with deplorables came outa nowhere and mowed me down.
I woke screaming
I feel like I got hit by someone else’s dream bus filled with 1950s dinner-making wives,
and I can’t shake this feeling of dread and danger.
(That the American dream left me with.)
I saw a friend I love.
He’d had the same dream.
We held each other like two who had lost a beloved parent or close friend.
There were no words.
And the mere fact of being held by him, in the face of all that is horrifying and surreal
brought the first tears to my eyes.
Apparently our love was not enough to stop this vile thing.
The color of everything seems different now.
My beautiful purples gone sickly grey.
My vibrant reds look like drying blood.
My painting is ruined.
It cannot end on this note.
There must be a….
a thing to do
a way to work
a light to shine
Find it ASAP